Letting Go and Letting God

I dedicate this blog post on Mothers Day to every mom facing loss. To the mom that’s been dealing with infertility problems. To the mom that felt overjoyed when she saw two pink lines on a stick and then a couple weeks later cried with devastation when she felt it slip away. To the mom that said hello and goodbye all in one day to her stillborn baby. To the mom that went to wake up her infant to find her life suddenly shattered from SIDS. To the mom that bonded her heart to her child and then had both ripped away from the moment they died. . . . .

It’s been 6 weeks since we lost our daughter Audrina. The grieving process isn’t as black and white as I thought it would be. I have mostly good days with some moments of anger and sadness. I start each morning with gratitude and ambition to lay the groundwork for the day and that seems to keep me moving forward. I’ve had some time to contemplate my future purpose and set goals to create a new vision for my life.

I’ve had to re-wire my brain to accept my life as it is. I’m a mother to an angel baby. I can bear this easier knowing in my heart she is in God’s hands and I will meet her again someday. I continually remind myself of how blessed I am regardless of the situation I face. I know that no matter what challenges life throws at me – it’s up to me to decide how I handle it. I’ve been fortunate enough to have received God’s grace in this time of need and he helps me cope with my loss.

As for my future, the hardest part is accepting the unknown. . . this is the part I can’t control. When I was young, I believed I was in complete control of my life. It’s sort of funny to look back at now. . . I thought. . . someday I would have 3 kids: 1 boy and maybe two girls. I thought it would be nice to conceive in the fall and then have some summer babies. First I would have a boy, then I’d wait a few years and hopefully have a couple girls. It’s really sick to think about now. The truth is, we are hardly in control at all. Especially when it comes to creating a human being.

That’s where God comes in. I’ve come to learn through my hardship, this is what makes conception miraculously wonderful. It’s truly a gift from God. It’s not up to us to decide whether a new life is placed in our care and it’s not up to us to decide how long we have with them. The joy of being a mother is both terrifying and beautiful. This is because our soul happiness now rests on the life of one tiny human and depends on their continued well being and safety. From the moment we are entrusted with this gift, we worry about them. Questions of uncertainty linger . . . Will I lose them at 12 weeks, will they be born healthy, when they do come out . . can I wrap them in bubble? Or in my case. . . . Will I be able to conceive at all?

After countless discussions with my doctor, we are left unsure as to whether or not we will be able to safety carry another baby. Doctors were able to successfully save my uterus. . . even in the midst of saving my life, however we are unsure of how it will function in the future. This leaves me with much uncertainty and apprehension as to whether or not we should expect to have more children. It will depend largely on how the uterus heals which is why they recommended waiting at least two years before even trying. Only time will tell.

I’m left having to trust in God. I’m not allowing myself to have expectations. I’ve decided to let go of the outcome and let God. I remind myself, it’s his will and not mine. I have to be willingly to accept Gods plan even if it doesn’t entail what I have in mind. I completely surrender my hopes and dreams to him and allow his vision to take reign over mine.

I’ve come to realize and appreciate how amazing it really is to carry new life to this earth. It’s not something we can plan for and execute. We don’t control when it happens, the gender or how many. We can’t even control how long we have with them. When they come to us, we can only be grateful and know in our hearts. . . . it’s truly a gift from God. Not something we should ever take for granted. If you should ever be so lucky to be entrusted with this gift you should know. . . you are blessed beyond measure.

To all mothers facing loss on this Mothers Day. . . . I want you to know that I understand your pain and you’re not alone. Just because you don’t have your baby in your arms, doesn’t mean you aren’t a mother. It doesn’t matter how far along your baby was or even if they were just a glimmer in your eye, a loss is a loss. The fact that you survived the loss makes you the strongest mother of all. So over this Mothers Day. . . I pray you find the strength to surrender to God’s will. I pray you find peace in his plans and I pray that he blesses you beyond measure.