I’ve experienced loss on various levels throughout my lifetime, but nothing compares to the heartache I feel from losing my daughter Audrina. It’s a pain that would swallow me whole if I tried to process it all at once. It can only be absorbed in little fragments . . . .piece by piece overtime . . . . and maybe never fully.
I have to constantly build myself up to a state of grace, just to survive the inevitable slip back into denial. . . anger. . . then sadness . . . and despair. The cycle repeats itself and grief feels like a never-ending sting. Every time I think of her my heart throbs in pain as I’m forever reaching for a piece of me that will never return. It’s the kind of throbbing that shoots out from your heart wildly running through every vein, and aching on every bone.
My Audrina, she had the most precious chubby hands and adorable round cherub face. . . little button nose and perfect tiny toes. I can remember just staring at her for hours trying to memorize every detail of my beautiful baby. Part of me will forever stay frozen in time just holding her in my arms and cradling her against my chest. I’m right there in the moment kissing her cold sweet cheeks and feeling her soft skin. That memory is all I have.
I carry her in my heart now and as painful as it is to think of her; I do it anyway every day. When I do, the tears just come pouring out. EVERY . . . TIME. Each morning when I wake up; I look at her memorial and I can feel her presence. I talk to her, tell her I love her and how much I miss her. My heart just burns and cries out in anger. Since she cannot be here with me, part of me is forever gone. It will always be somewhere else with her.
I now understand why denial is a part of grief. Our brain simply cannot process the amount of pain all at once so it sort of shuts down. I spent the first week unable to even acknowledge that I lost her. I almost lost my own life so there were other layers of trauma as well. The month after was a whirlwind of emotions. I was grateful for Gods grace in giving me my life, but angry at him for taking Audrina’s. It hit me in waves and sometimes I had to just hang on and ride out the storm. The next couple months I really tried to accept that she is gone and God took her. I think I’m slowly coming to terms with the fact that she isn’t coming back.
What scares me the most about my future is accepting the fact that this pain might not ever go away. It’s just something I will have to live with every day, like having a lost limb. I’ll have to learn how to live life without it. It doesn’t seem fair that I should have to spend the rest of my life bearing this burden, but I can accept it easier knowing she exists. Even through the darkest of my days, the depth of my pain will never come close to the amount of love I have for her. I thank God for allowing me to carry her even if it was for a short time. Nothing will ever take away the fact that she is mine and I am hers forever.