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Undying Hope

 

Ashley blog pictureIt’s been 6 months since we lost Audrina, and almost an entire year since we found out about her death bearing condition, Thanophoric Dysplasia. I can honestly say now that I’ve felt very little joy since that moment. Life has been more of going through the motions each day and trying to find little distractions. Everett does help me move forward and keeps me smiling but there’s this underlying numbness in my heart that can only be described in one word. EMPTY.

I fight like hell every day to count my blessings and focus on gratitude, but the joy is gone. There was a part of me that felt like all this pain would melt away once I would become pregnant again. Although I’m hopeful this will eventually happen; I can finally accept that it won’t put all my broken parts back together.

I’ve come to realize how comfortable numb I really am, because I started having fleeting moments of joy. Recently, a dear friend of mine mentioned how I should continue my blogging and that I had a lot of talent to offer the world. Bless her heart, because it did inspire me and triggered some old emotions I haven’t felt in a long time.  I felt somewhat excited and remembered how I use to love taking pictures of my scrapbooks and sharing my creative endeavors online.

In all reality, I’ve felt very little joy in doing things. Even the things I use to really love. For months, I felt like I was just counting down the days until I could become pregnant again. . . because I thought it would bring back my joy. I figured I’d just accept the fact that I have to trudge through a tough time in my life and cling to hope while I wait. Recently, I had a light bulb moment go on in my brain. Suddenly, I remembered some advice I offered to a friend who had been going through a difficult time. I thought, “wait a minute”. . . . “this applies to me too”.

I gave her a message of hope and faith and then like a boomerang effect, it came right back at me. I told her not to let her experience dictate how she spends the next 2,3,4 or 5 years. Don’t tell yourself. . . “I’ll be happy when” because in doing so. . . you spend that entire time in discontent. Then when your desires do show up in your life you realize you wasted good years unfulfilled waiting for it. That’s where the faith comes in. Believe whole heartedly and with certainty that it will happen. Then, let go of the outcome and live in peace while you wait for it.

Faith was my missing link to find peace in my life right now in this very moment. Although I may heart may never operate at 100% again, I can assure you it is healing and hoping. I’m starting to feel waves of joy and flash backs of my former self. A women who felt full heartedly, passionate and creative. These enduring thoughts bring me hope . . . I hope for peace in the moment, simply by being and doing the things that I love. I have faith that when I can do all this, my future will be filled with joy.

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