I always thought it would be easier to push away my pain, and try not to acknowledge the aching memories from my past. I figured, if I focused on being present in the moment or kept my thoughts on my future I would never have to feel the pain of my past.
I’m not sure if that is a good idea anymore. Maybe there is only one way to push past it. . . To remember my loss, let the pain rise up, face the fear and surrender to the feelings. More and more memories are surfacing and I have the agonizing sense that I’m going to have to start dealing with the shattered pieces. It especially hits me hard with the changing season.
Now that its fall; I’ve had some flashbacks of bundling up and dressing my baby bump. That was back when I had it all. . .. everything I had ever wanted in life. The happiest, and most blessed I have ever been. . . . My heart was full and I felt whole.
It’s also a time when a part of me died. Half of my heart perished the day the doctors told me about her death bearing condition. That part of me is still back sitting in perinatology getting my level 2 ultrasound. I’ve never experienced such a high, high go to the lowest of low. I went from feeling absolutely complete to utterly empty. I was hopeful at times, but in the deepest pit of my soul; I knew I had to accept pieces of the truth in order to survive the inevitable moment when I lose her. It’s a bit twisted actually. . . loving something so deeply that has a timeline on it.
I think in order to heal, i will need to start talking about the pregnancy and what it was like going through the entire process. Even when it hurts…..
I remember one day working in the garage with my husband Aaron. We were working on building our dining room table. Sort of a distraction we could do together to get through the hard time and keep our minds busy. We had the radio blaring and a song came on that just felt so true to the moment. It was called, Like I’m Gonna Lose You – by Jasmine Thompson. For an entire minute I stood there listening to the song and rocking Audrina, swaying side to side, still in the moment. . . My heart full. If my pregnancy was a movie and there was the theme song. . . . This is what is what it would feel like. . . . to carry a baby that is destined to die.
Like I’m Gonna Lose You
In silver and gold
Like a scene from a movie
That every broken heart knows
And you pulled me close
Split second and you disappeared
And then I was all alone
With you by my side
A breath of relief
And I realized
No, we’re not promised tomorrow
And I’m gonna hold you like I’m saying goodbye
Wherever we’re standing
I won’t take you for granted
‘Cause we’ll never know when, when we’ll run out of time
I’m gonna love you like I’m gonna lose you
Just a whisper of smoke
You could lose everything
The truth is you never know
Any chance that I get
I’ll make the most of the minutes
tristarakow.com 