I always thought it would be easier to push away my pain, and try not to acknowledge the aching memories from my past. I figured, if I focused on being present in the moment or kept my thoughts on my future I would never have to feel the pain of my past.
I’m not sure if that is a good idea anymore. Maybe there is only one way to push past it. . . To remember my loss, let the pain rise up, face the fear and surrender to the feelings. More and more memories are surfacing and I have the agonizing sense that I’m going to have to start dealing with the shattered pieces. It especially hits me hard with the changing season.
It’s been 6 months since we lost Audrina, and almost an entire year since we found out about her death bearing condition, Thanophoric Dysplasia. I can honestly say now that I’ve felt very little joy since that moment. Life has been more of going through the motions each day and trying to find little distractions. Everett does help me move forward and keeps me smiling but there’s this underlying numbness in my heart that can only be described in one word. EMPTY.
I’ve experienced loss on various levels throughout my lifetime, but nothing compares to the heartache I feel from losing my daughter Audrina. It’s a pain that would swallow me whole if I tried to process it all at once. It can only be absorbed in little fragments . . . .piece by piece overtime . . . . and maybe never fully.
There was a time in my life where I lived completely in my past. Every day I contemplated little failures, unfulfilled wishes and the pain I couldn’t push past. Other days were spent dwelling on my future happiness. I often questioned when I would reach my ultimate state of joy. . . . . Then one day, I stumbled across Eckhart Tolle’s book The Power of Now. I thank God for guiding me to this because it has seriously transformed my life.
I woke up this morning feeling inspired to chat about a topic that always seems to put life into perspective. It REALLY doesn’t matter what you have, who you know, or places you’ve been. What matters…. is your perception of it. Your appreciation for life is where your power lies and you control your happiness each day by the thoughts you feed yourself. It’s even more important to focus your beliefs on what you know is true and not what others tell you they believe to be true. Once you base your happiness on what others believe, you give your power away. I won’t get too deep though. I’ll save that for another day.
On November 24th, 2017 I found out my ultimate dream was coming true. In April, Aaron and I would welcome a daughter into our family. I can’t describe in words the joy I felt in that moment the ultrasound tech told me it was a girl. A thousand dreams flooded my mind…. little girl dresses, tea time and tiaras, tutu’s, pig tails, ponies, ballet slippers, mother daughter excursions like baking or going to the craft fair the list just goes on. The next day which happened to be Thanksgiving, I woke up feeling extra blessed. We were so excited to share the amazing news with our family on such a fitting day. The next week or so we spent living on cloud nine while imagining how our lives would soon change as we welcomed our daughter, Audrina Marie Rakow into the world.
I just love this little happy mat so much that I wanted to share this with all the busy mamma’s out there. This new mini mat style comes in a shape that fits most highchairs. It’s also great for stuffing in the diaper bag and using for meal time on the go. It has a nice suction cup to the bottom so it stays in place. I can’t tell you how many times that has saved me dining at the restaurants. It also comes in a little resealable pouch for easy clean up. I take it out when I get home and pop it in my dishwasher. Looking to get one of your own? I got mine from 
tristarakow.com 