I’m completely obsessed with this Halloween Haunted House project. I think Everett loves it as much as I do. Yesterday I found him playing with it. He had the ghost standing at the door step repeating, “trick-or-treat”! I plan to pack it up and only take it out each year during the month of October to hopefully build some nostalgia!
Unlocking the Pain
I always thought it would be easier to push away my pain, and try not to acknowledge the aching memories from my past. I figured, if I focused on being present in the moment or kept my thoughts on my future I would never have to feel the pain of my past.
I’m not sure if that is a good idea anymore. Maybe there is only one way to push past it. . . To remember my loss, let the pain rise up, face the fear and surrender to the feelings. More and more memories are surfacing and I have the agonizing sense that I’m going to have to start dealing with the shattered pieces. It especially hits me hard with the changing season.
Christmas Mini Album
I created this mini scrapbook album to document all of our sentimental Christmas ornaments. It was important to me to document the meaning behind each one because I believe they tell our story.
This book is a special way to keep our family legacy alive. That way someday when I’m long gone, Everett can pass it down and his children and they might find nostalgia in our families history.
Although you won’t find any pictures in it yet. . . You will find many places for photos or journaling.
It’s been 6 months since we lost Audrina, and almost an entire year since we found out about her death bearing condition, Thanophoric Dysplasia. I can honestly say now that I’ve felt very little joy since that moment. Life has been more of going through the motions each day and trying to find little distractions. Everett does help me move forward and keeps me smiling but there’s this underlying numbness in my heart that can only be described in one word. EMPTY.
I fight like hell every day to count my blessings and focus on gratitude, but the joy is gone. There was a part of me that felt like all this pain would melt away once I would become pregnant again. Although I’m hopeful this will eventually happen; I can finally accept that it won’t put all my broken parts back together.
The Truth about Pain
I’ve experienced loss on various levels throughout my lifetime, but nothing compares to the heartache I feel from losing my daughter Audrina. It’s a pain that would swallow me whole if I tried to process it all at once. It can only be absorbed in little fragments . . . .piece by piece overtime . . . . and maybe never fully.
I have to constantly build myself up to a state of grace, just to survive the inevitable slip back into denial. . . anger. . . then sadness . . . and despair. The cycle repeats itself and grief feels like a never-ending sting. Every time I think of her my heart throbs in pain as I’m forever reaching for a piece of me that will never return. It’s the kind of throbbing that shoots out from your heart wildly running through every vein, and aching on every bone.
Life in the Present Moment – Choosing Joy
There was a time in my life where I lived completely in my past. Every day I contemplated little failures, unfulfilled wishes and the pain I couldn’t push past. Other days were spent dwelling on my future happiness. I often questioned when I would reach my ultimate state of joy. . . . . Then one day, I stumbled across Eckhart Tolle’s book The Power of Now. I thank God for guiding me to this because it has seriously transformed my life.
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Letting Go and Letting God
I dedicate this blog post on Mothers Day to every mom facing loss. To the mom that’s been dealing with infertility problems. To the mom that felt overjoyed when she saw two pink lines on a stick and then a couple weeks later cried with devastation when she felt it slip away. To the mom that said hello and goodbye all in one day to her stillborn baby. To the mom that went to wake up her infant to find her life suddenly shattered from SIDS. To the mom that bonded her heart to her child and then had both ripped away from the moment they died. . . . .
It’s been 6 weeks since we lost our daughter Audrina. The grieving process isn’t as black and white as I thought it would be. I have mostly good days with some moments of anger and sadness. I start each morning with gratitude and ambition to lay the groundwork for the day and that seems to keep me moving forward. I’ve had some time to contemplate my future purpose and set goals to create a new vision for my life.
There are a few times in life where I have seriously questioned God’s purpose and plan. Losing Audrina made it to the top of the list. We will never understand why he chose us to become parents to a baby destined to die at birth. What I do know to be true is that out of each suffering endured; I’ve obtained a great deal of strength and become even closer God. Life certainly didn’t go according to our plans, but we are trusting God that everything happens for a reason and maybe our pain will serve a greater purpose.
Baby Beau and Belle – A Beautiful Blessing
As I prepared for Audrina’s arrival and departure, a lot of emotion and careful thought went into every detail of her birth. At times, it was very difficult to even make a decision. I felt intense pressure to make sure everything was perfect as we welcomed our daughter into the world. Especially because our time with her would be so short. Selecting certain items were especially emotional because I would only be able to choose just one. This was true for the first and only dress Audrina would ever wear.
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Attitude for Gratitude
I woke up this morning feeling inspired to chat about a topic that always seems to put life into perspective. It REALLY doesn’t matter what you have, who you know, or places you’ve been. What matters…. is your perception of it. Your appreciation for life is where your power lies and you control your happiness each day by the thoughts you feed yourself. It’s even more important to focus your beliefs on what you know is true and not what others tell you they believe to be true. Once you base your happiness on what others believe, you give your power away. I won’t get too deep though. I’ll save that for another day.