I know, I’m a bit late on posting this one. Especially with Christmas decor hanging around the place lol. I’m one of those people. . . sitting around in their halloween costume, eating pumpkin pie while listening to Christmas music haha. Kidding, not kidding.
So I figured, better late than never. This happens to be one of my favorite scrapbooks. I used the halloween paper by Echo in the Park brand.
My Christmas decorations went up the day my hubby left for hunting. Now that he’s out of the house, Everett and I can begin decking the halls. We have achieved to make a small dent in our annual holiday decor. One of my favorite things about the holidays is unpacking our Christmas decor and enjoying the pure magic of a nostalgic moment. My heart beamed as I watched Everetts eyes twinkle in rememberance.
As I sorted through my treasured items I found an old scrapbook I want to share with you. I made this a couple years ago and haven’t got around to posting it until now. . .
I’m completely obsessed with this Halloween Haunted House project. I think Everett loves it as much as I do. Yesterday I found him playing with it. He had the ghost standing at the door step repeating, “trick-or-treat”! I plan to pack it up and only take it out each year during the month of October to hopefully build some nostalgia!
I always thought it would be easier to push away my pain, and try not to acknowledge the aching memories from my past. I figured, if I focused on being present in the moment or kept my thoughts on my future I would never have to feel the pain of my past.
I’m not sure if that is a good idea anymore. Maybe there is only one way to push past it. . . To remember my loss, let the pain rise up, face the fear and surrender to the feelings. More and more memories are surfacing and I have the agonizing sense that I’m going to have to start dealing with the shattered pieces. It especially hits me hard with the changing season.
I created this mini scrapbook album to document all of our sentimental Christmas ornaments. It was important to me to document the meaning behind each one because I believe they tell our story.
This book is a special way to keep our family legacy alive. That way someday when I’m long gone, Everett can pass it down and his children and they might find nostalgia in our families history.
Although you won’t find any pictures in it yet. . . You will find many places for photos or journaling.
It’s been 6 months since we lost Audrina, and almost an entire year since we found out about her death bearing condition, Thanophoric Dysplasia. I can honestly say now that I’ve felt very little joy since that moment. Life has been more of going through the motions each day and trying to find little distractions. Everett does help me move forward and keeps me smiling but there’s this underlying numbness in my heart that can only be described in one word. EMPTY.
I fight like hell every day to count my blessings and focus on gratitude, but the joy is gone. There was a part of me that felt like all this pain would melt away once I would become pregnant again. Although I’m hopeful this will eventually happen; I can finally accept that it won’t put all my broken parts back together.
I’ve experienced loss on various levels throughout my lifetime, but nothing compares to the heartache I feel from losing my daughter Audrina. It’s a pain that would swallow me whole if I tried to process it all at once. It can only be absorbed in little fragments . . . .piece by piece overtime . . . . and maybe never fully.
I have to constantly build myself up to a state of grace, just to survive the inevitable slip back into denial. . . anger. . . then sadness . . . and despair. The cycle repeats itself and grief feels like a never-ending sting. Every time I think of her my heart throbs in pain as I’m forever reaching for a piece of me that will never return. It’s the kind of throbbing that shoots out from your heart wildly running through every vein, and aching on every bone.
There was a time in my life where I lived completely in my past. Every day I contemplated little failures, unfulfilled wishes and the pain I couldn’t push past. Other days were spent dwelling on my future happiness. I often questioned when I would reach my ultimate state of joy. . . . . Then one day, I stumbled across Eckhart Tolle’s book The Power of Now. I thank God for guiding me to this because it has seriously transformed my life.
Continue reading “Life in the Present Moment – Choosing Joy”
I dedicate this blog post on Mothers Day to every mom facing loss. To the mom that’s been dealing with infertility problems. To the mom that felt overjoyed when she saw two pink lines on a stick and then a couple weeks later cried with devastation when she felt it slip away. To the mom that said hello and goodbye all in one day to her stillborn baby. To the mom that went to wake up her infant to find her life suddenly shattered from SIDS. To the mom that bonded her heart to her child and then had both ripped away from the moment they died. . . . .
It’s been 6 weeks since we lost our daughter Audrina. The grieving process isn’t as black and white as I thought it would be. I have mostly good days with some moments of anger and sadness. I start each morning with gratitude and ambition to lay the groundwork for the day and that seems to keep me moving forward. I’ve had some time to contemplate my future purpose and set goals to create a new vision for my life.
There are a few times in life where I have seriously questioned God’s purpose and plan. Losing Audrina made it to the top of the list. We will never understand why he chose us to become parents to a baby destined to die at birth. What I do know to be true is that out of each suffering endured; I’ve obtained a great deal of strength and become even closer God. Life certainly didn’t go according to our plans, but we are trusting God that everything happens for a reason and maybe our pain will serve a greater purpose.
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